Snakes on a Plane review.

SSSSSSSSSSS is for...

Surprised. At how much I really wanted to like Snakes on a Plane ahead of time compared to what I saw. S is for sue. As in, suing bloggers who hyped this as a ‘campy, fun’ movie and pitched it as a Sam Jackson F-bomb fest. S is for you’re about to read more F-bombs than a typical George Parker post.

And S is for spoiler alert:

IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT SNAKES ON A PLANE, STOP READING NOW.

Ok. Let’s get this right out in the open: motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker!

There, all the snake fans who wanted it their way having the producers film new scenes with that little Sam Jackson mantra, you just got your wish: that was twice as many F-bombs as you’ll hear in the entire movie. Feeling ripped-off by Hype-palooza 2.0 yet?

Yeah. me too.

I can’t comment on the movie without also commenting on the surrounding promotional buildup, so this post covers both things and it runs motherfucking long.

Seeing the movie confirmed what I suspected but was reserving judgement on: while I absolutely loved the blog effort started by Brian, the feeling I got ahead of time from this movie was that it was going to be a comical snake tour-de-farce on the order of Airplane or Scary Movie. Then I saw the trailer.

BIG disconnect.

Because based on the trailer I saw months ago, I expected a tight, well-done thriller – ultimately it wasn’t even that. I watched it already aware of the blog effort and thought, ok, they’re selling this wrong. It looks like it’s gonna be a well-done thriller but, funny blog + trailer of scary thriller = confusing movie with lack of identity.

It’s one thing for the Web 2.0 crowd to sing the praises of brands who ‘embrace new media.’ After all, it’s in their best interest to want this experiment to work. Because if it doesn’t though, well, there goes that theory and they’ll need to blog about other stuff.

Truth be told? Even I want it to work. Brands should be engaging audiences in all channels using things like blogs when possible – but not at the expense of the product the consumer is sold on and expects it to be.

Because if you sell me on camp, don’t then turn around and motherfucking give me over-the-top crude violence and a weak motherfucking thriller and tell me it’s motherfucking ‘fun.’ Because then I can’t help but feel like it’s something else: a motherfucking lie.

And in that case, people will stay away in droves once bad WOM runs its course, (to mis-paraquote Yogi). Still, I actually wanted a Sam Jackson F-bomb fest.

That’s not what I got though, and that’s why I’m disappointed. Not because the movie wasn’t great, never said it would be. It didn’t live up to the ‘fun’ hype ahead of time for me.

I buy Nike because it’s Nike. I know what I’m getting, and it’s not a Wal-Mart imitation. Likewise, when I go to see a Tarantino flick, I know what I’m getting, (or at least expecting to get). Clever dialog. Blood. Cool-as-hell fight scenes.

And I was amped to see this movie when I first heard the words ‘Sam Jackson’ and ‘Snakes’ in the same sentence. Same as the original screenwriter who first heard about the project and then blogged about what a great title the movie was, followed by Brian who picked up on it and the rest is soon-to-be history.

I was also sold on that pic of Sam yelling into a mic, figuring this dude is gonna be some loose-cannon cop living on the Martin Riggs edge, swearing every two seconds left and right. Nope. Jules was calm, cool and collected the whole time. Jules, go in there and chill them snakes out. (And he did.)

That payoff line would’ve sure been set up a lot better if he had been a loose cannon all along instead of it being the out-of-the-blue line it was.

And the fateful line.

More than 3/4 of the way through the movie. I was waiting for the stupid motherfucking line so long, that when it motherfucking happened, I was motherfucking dissappointed. Motherfucker. It was just out of place. Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Iowa citizen filmmaker: you just got your :15 secs by having “motherfucker” added in.

Want more F-bombs in your movies? Leave the director alone and rent motherfucking Pulp Fiction next motherfucking time.

But what I can’t buy is the arguement that the hype in this case was what consumers were buying, not the movie. So now we’re supposed to forget about what we’re buying and revel in the sales process? Gotta try that next time I buy a car.

To Mack at Adverb’s point: you can bet there are a whole lot of movie studio marketing directors looking at this case study wondering if they should launch a blog for their next flick, or stick with the tried-and-true promotional machine based on the results of SoaP.

No matter which way they go, we sit here and blog while people still may get fired over that stuff when it turns out bad - or, promoted to go on and embrace the next big promotional hype touted.

Will this movie make money? Probably. Leave it out long enough and it should. But it’ll need a month at this rate to match an approx. 35 mill budget and that’s with any kind of good WOM. If this flick is so good and you’re really going to jump on the camp wagon, really jump then. Forget newspaper quotes like

“BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR!”
.................Omaha Tribal Observer

“SAY YESSSS TO SSSSSNAKESSSSS!”
.................Saskatchewan Times

“SAM JACKSON IS UNSNAKABLE!”
.................Nuns For Peace Quarterly

Have :30 TV spots with testimonials from rubber snake-wearing audiences shouting “See this movie!!!” Geez, I mean New Line should enough money left over from the ad budget. After all, they saved a ton by letting citizen marketers do the work for them didn’t they?

(Here’s another freebie: ‘user-generated’ :30 TV snake spots highlighting Brian’s blog done up in the style of Carson Daly’s girlfriend’s self-absorbed video show. Talk about the internet tail wagging the dog.)

Do that, and the DVD release with Rubber Snake Parties^® should be gravy for them after breaking even. But those same marketing peeps are seeing Red Eye do 16 mill opening weekend last year at this time and then go on to a 90+ mill worldwide gross – all without a blog and wondering, why should I do things differently?

What about Flightplan? More high-concept but I’d still throw it into the B-movie genre and definitely include it in the airplane thriller category. Closer to 250 mill gross on a 24 mill opener - without a blog. Even though that had Jodie Foster, this has motherfucking Sam Jackson! He’s not any good for more than that in the airplane thriller genre?

I also understand SoaP is supposed to be a B-movie, and that the bar for expectations should be lowered. Which expectations would those be though? The box office ones? New Line wasn’t expecting a hit? Name me a studio that doesn’t? After seeing the interest by fans I’m thinking they were. Enough to throw more dollars towards a reshoot for promotional purposes.

15 mill inflated and 6 mill this week are not too shabby for a movie, but movies aren’t released in a vacuum. They’re compared to others in the same genre, rightly or wrongly. And this one also had some of the traditional marketing support behind it in terms of trailers and print. So 15 mill against RE’s 16 with no stars to boot is looking just average.

So what about about expectations for it being a good movie, even with the B-movie tag? I’m sorry, this ain’t a good movie, that’s the thing. At the end of the day, no matter how many virals or blogs you throw my way, it still needs to be a good movie.

Camp? Fine. Make it well-done camp like Mars Attacks or Independence Day. Even if it was a good thriller I expected from the trailer but maybe it didn’t jive with the whacky snake blog, ok, fine. Just make it a Flightplan thriller then. (Director really can’t claim he didn’t have the same stuff to work with. Solid lead actor and a motherfucking jumbo jet.)

At least the product would’ve been good and I would’ve felt I got my money’s worth. But this goes back to the point about selling me on one thing, but delivering something different.

And I get the genre. I love the genre. I am Mr. B-movie:

The Blob. Towering Inferno. Earthquake (with surround sound vibrating seats!). Poseidon Adventure. Scary Movie(s). Airplane. Sin City. Pulp Fiction. Resevoir Dogs. Desperado. Con Air. Independence Day. Mars Attacks. Dawn of the Dead. The Ring. Starship Troopers. Tremors. From Dusk Til Dawn. Nightmare on Elm Street. Devil’s Rejects. Anything with Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal or Ahhh-nuld.

Some action-adventure, some horror, some comedy, but all are B-movies that, depending on which flick, have varying degrees of humor and violence handled far more deftly than Snakes. And they were B-movies not trying to be something they weren’t.

That’s why I feel you focus on making a kickass product/movie, then add cool hype to it. Wouldn’t your efforts do more for the picture in that case?


But this move felt like it didn’t have that identity and was trying to figure it out. Part over the top violence, part horror, part soft-core porn and part suspense thriller. Sorry, but there were no parts gellin like a felon. Last year’s Flightplan had the suspense part down. Con Air had the humerous wise-ass thing.

Until Sam’s line, where was either? Pulp Fiction was funnier. Just one little wise-cracking sidekick is all I ask. A staple of B-movies the world over. Yet, nothing. Instead, we get Kenan from SNL and “I Believe I Can Fly” feel-good dialog.

As for Hitchcock-like surprise, well, we get two. One is a motherfucking speedy-ass snake jumps out of a motherfucking compartment and two: the stereotypical male flight attendant who pranced around actually had the girlfriend nobody believed he said he had the entire movie.

I felt let down because I was expecting total camp, instead I got gratutious violence and sex that’s not for the teens this movie is skewing towards. I saw 10-year olds in the audience. Others have said how they let their 13-year olds go to this ‘cause it was awesome!’ I ain’t NO prude, believe me. I’ve seen every genre of movie imaginable and absolutely love all film, but this ain’t for kids. It got the R for a reason.

Should a 10-year old be watching the Mile High Club admit new members? They cut away from a guy getting his head bashed with a baseball bat, (and I can’t believe I’m about to write this next part), but then let’s watch a housecoat-wearin’ grandma get aroused by a snake and then have her eye eaten by it. Awesome!

Or a guy get bit right where it counts just as he finishes up in the restroom. I can hear Bart Simpson on the intercom now: “Paging Mr. Dick Hurts.”

Yeah, that works for me.

Anyone want to guess that the parents brought them because they heard about rubber snakes and a blog? Parents, when your kids wanna see it, see it first, and tell me, honestly, you could let them.

But hey, maybe I’m the lone voice here. Wouldn’t be the first time. (What’s the saying again, blogs are like assholes, right?)

So I took my daughter who turns 18 next month to see it. She knows more than me or any other other Web 2.0 evangelist out there about multi-tasking, myspace, IM, all of it. Wanted to see what she thought. She’s also a horror movie fan and has seen the previously mentioned Ring and every bad/cheesy nasty-ass R-rated teen flick out there. Her response?

“Why did you take me to see that? It was disgusting. Worst movie of the year.”

Oh, and because WOM is so critical to Web 2.0, that’s exactly the same thing she IM’d two friends and a cousin on her cell immediately after it was over.

Good luck to New Line. Hopefully they won’t need more than blog hype and counting as far back as Wednesday night’s receipts to make the next ‘weekend’ gross look ‘awesome!’ You want to keep bravely ‘embracing’ new media this way after someone else actually comes up with the idea, fine.

Just like the Chevy Tahoe videos showed though, having the latest toy and knowing what to do with it are two different things.

Tags: advertising, Snakes on a Plane, brands, Sam Jackson, snakes, motherfucking snakes, New Line Cinema