Ad Age Markets Movies now.

Oh get me going on this one. So I’m going to pay $100 to hear theories in NY or LA on maximizing ROI for theater owners and marketing agencies? Yeah, ok, whatever. I’ll pass. Instead, got a few ideas of my own for free:

– The biggest issue is price. Don’t let theater owners sell you on the idea that everything’s fine. Yah, well I read the same numbers they do and know what else is up? DVD rentals. Downloadable content. Again, I only have two hours and you’re competing with a lot more options for that time than ever before. Theater owners should be telling brands that theaters are like travel agents before Priceline and Expedia came along, and that if they don’t act fast, they could very well be marginalized.

– Since we’re talking about movies, lemmee quote Pacino from Heat: “Don’t waste my motherfuckin’ time!” If you’re a brand thinking about ‘engaging’ me at the movies as the first point of entry, make it worth it. Suzuki films trailer? Joke because it was a BMW films ripoff. The Toyota Scion squared trailer? Now that was cool and made me want to check out the site. And please stop repeating, ‘repurposing’ rerunning the same spots you use on TV. If you can’t be bothered to come up with new content that I already pay for through my ticket price, forget it.

– Give me a free movie ticket for every 8-10 movies I see. (Brands sponsor the giveaway or not, don’t really care.) I can’t think of another industry that has ignored its customer base from the POV of a loyalty/incentive program more.

– This next one is more endemic of the problems with theaters than brand promotion, but how about lowering ticket prices a few bucks for a month and knocking the price of a soda to under what a beer costs at a Yankees game, then we’ll talk. Make February National Discount movie month or something like that. (If you must, then get a pharma brand that lowers blood pressure to promote it. Lowering of prices + lowering of pressure, get it?)

– And concessions. Oh man, you whores. Concessions already has a monopoly because you can’t bring food in, so why gouge customers? In fact, extend this to all sporting and concert events as a law: soda and candy is not allowed to sell for .50¢ over what it would in a store nearest the event. I’ll pay $2.00 for a 20 0z. soda that cost $1.50 at 7-Eleven. I may even go as high as $2.50. But $4.25 for a bottle of water? No excuse. And really, c’mon, $12 for a large soda and large popcorn?

- Offer movies at select times that show features without any commercials. It’s amazing that with the number of showings for a given movie that studios and brands don’t play around more with A-B testing, if I can get all SEO on ya. Why not block out a few weeknights as a trial to see what effect no commercials ahead of time would have? Whatta ya got to lose?

– Stop the endless tie-ins with cable channels showing their upcoming programming. All this does is piss me off more that I have to sit through all this bullshit. (Only ones who won’t mind are the fuckwad idiots too dumb to realize they shouldn’t be talking in a movie or checking their cell. The bright lights and pretty pictures of all the shows will keep them mesmerized. Fuckwads.)

– Don’t show flicks that will end up on rental shelves three weeks later.

– Moviegoer ratings/complaint system for trailers and commercials, either at a kiosk in the lobby, online website or textable by cell. Moviegoers enter movie info from ticket so studios know exactly which movie they’re referring to and whether they had issues. And, if there was a promotion run, then user enters that info too.

– Many people will go and buy the DVD of a film. So as a promotion, why not have my ticket good for a discount off the purchase of that future sale? (Like iTunes is doing with it’s Complete My Album.) Again, sponsored by a brand if you want.

Now, where’s my hundred?

Cinema Advertising Council, Ad Age Marquee Marketing