NJ Transit FAQ.

As an homage to the experience Where’s My Jetpack has on Amtrak, I put together a little FAQ for NJ Transit to help them out.

Q: How long will my ride last?
A: Anywhere from 8 minutes to five and a half hours, depending on your stop. And we will hit every stop. Most cars now also feature new RBC/ATD* technology—an industry first.

*Random Brake Check/Arbitrary Track Delay


Q: Will people be courteous and friendly?
A: Why yes. There’s a variety of groups for everyone. You’ll be surrounded by near-sober Yankees fans on their way into the city to enjoy the sounds of opening day. Perhaps the Crackberry herd who won’t STFU is more your speed? Or, enjoy Barbie dolls sporting 10” power pumps on their cell from the minute they get on to the minute they leave. Of course, you could also sit back, relax and overhear any number of loud conversations or iPod songs, perhaps pick up a stock tip or two.


Q: What about features? Will I be comfortable?
A: Will you! Why yes, all cars are climate controlled. Depending. We have a range of temperatures. From 80° down to 40°, there’s something for everybody—often on the same trip if your lucky enough to need a connecting train! Seats are also wrapped with duct tape for your safety. A few of our passenger ‘cabins’ even come equipped with automatic doors, helping speed you on your way—but we recommend standing up in front of people three stops early just to make sure you’re first.

*Some cars even have optional open container beverage service on the floor, but please, check before boarding for availability.

Q: What about my conductor. Are they, you know, a good sort?
A: They sure are. Hard-working people doing exemplary work, even with the forward-thinking hole punch technology and James West Wild Wild West style apparel we burden them with. True, most overnight delivery services or airport car rental places now use hand held electronic devices that contain all the account info you’ll need, but we want people to recapture some of that nostalgia, that spirit. And nothing says nostalgia like a big old conductor’s hat.

Q: What if I experience a delay?
A: If? Not getting into the city you won’t–we want you there—it’s getting out that’s fun.

Q: I really like the NJ Transit posters I see. Are they available for purchase?
A: We’re glad you like them. They’re free! That is, when they’re not torn out of their holders. Take out latest effort: ‘Don’t turn your trip into a fall.’ (We almost went with NJ Transit: You’ll fall for our ride!) The poster warns people to watch the chasm gap getting off the train.*

*Yes, we know, nobody really gets off the train like that in a field soboriety test kind of way. And it’s not the gap that’s the real problem, rather, the El Capitan-like step height combined with the obscene 35° downward side angle of the train. That, and the steel doors of death weighing 300 lbs. you have to hold open with one hand prior to debarking. Our lawyers said we have to depict it that way in the picture though.

Q: Will it cost a lot for my trip? A: We have a travel package for every budget. Ticket prices are fair and reasonable for this all-inclusive package.

Q: Are all facilities clean and safe? A: Yes. Many of our stops are marked with signs indicating that they’ve passed rigorous quality control inspections including mic checks on speakers and almost-working monitors. Some have even gone months without criminal activity!

Q: I’ve heard Europe and other parts of the world have a better rail system than the U.S. Is this true?
A: Don’t believe the hype! Europe also has funny languages you can’t speak. Would you trust a system you couldn’t read the signs of? American rail technology is the best available—first time every time!

Tags: NJ Transit