“Whoever told you that was wrong.”

There’s a big difference between customer service in the retail world and customer service when dealing with government agencies. See, in the ‘real’ world, ‘Dave’ at Best Buy is always worried that if he says what’s really on his mind, you’ll ask for his manager. Next thing he knows, his daily schedule’s just opened up for him to go back to playing HALO for hours on end, stopping just long enough for a few Red Bulls and questioning the sexual preferences of anyone on YouTube into German metalcore.

Not at the post office though.

Like any government agency, there is simply no fear by anyone working there that they will lose their job. Ever. You only have to catch A&E’s Parking Wars to see the madness in action. Anyone who’s been to the DMV has witnessed the mandated breaks at the oddest times. The blank stare after you explain your situation. The blazing fast speed with which they process your paperwork. It’s this power that renders you helpless, like an untreated rattlesnake bite* miles from first aid.

The tables of customer service hell are now turned as you gasp for air.

It is you who has to worry that if you really say what’s on your mind, Margaret** behind the counter will point her finger and motion you to the door while postal carriers in back get out the latex, all the while she’s looking past you to the next customer. “NEXT?”

Game over. No more lives left.

So you play nice and calmly explain to Margaret how you did fill out the change of address card online, that you no longer live at your old address, that you are at your new one, but that now, there’s no mail at either house, (or the respective post offices for each location). That said post offices told you to call a third location where mail is forwarded. You wonder aloud how 10 days of mail is nowhere to be found?

Margaret then informs you that no mail is actually forwarded or kept there in that third location, they just handle the change of address cards that get sent in. It is then you find yourself on the edge of Daveness and resort to the only response people in your position have counted on for ages: “But they told me to (call/go/email) here.”

Bad idea. You just revealed your tell. It’s then that you get played like Teddy KGB:

“Whoever told you that was wrong.”

There is no phrase more unimpeachable, more maddening, because damn if you don’t believe it every single time. You can’t argue with it either because it makes perfect sense. No matter who you deal with, in retail or government, no matter what you just went through, you look at the new person you just explained your entire sad tale to as if they were now your personal saviour—as long as they respond with “Whoever told you that was wrong.”

They may have barely finished high school, but, by them uttering that disclaimer, somehow they now qualify in your mind to be able to complete shuttle engine repairs*** and thus, directing the anger that would’ve come their way back where it belongs—at the last person you dealt with. “Oh,they were? Then you must be the one who can help me.”

They are. Until they ultimately end up becoming #45 out of 100 who didn’t know what the hell they were talking about.

*The first of several asterisks in this post.
**It’s not her real name, but, it could be, couldn’t it? Margaret also speaks in this very low, raspy voice, and she’ll not be making it easy for you to hear her today, not by a long shot.
***Not that barely finishing high school means you’ll miss out on a shot by NASA to work on shuttle engines, but it becomes exceedingly difficult. It’s not like Tommy Boy where dad buries you in shipping behind some desk. Someone in pre-flight will eventually catch on that you might not be the right fit.

Tags: customer service, Parking Wars, post office sucks, DMV