Monday, May 17, 2010
Top 10 lists on ad blogs? Heh, NO! Clichés, stereotypes, my own personal peeves or unavoidable staples of advertising. Call them what you will, here are 10 things in advertising that make up my current *things that must die* bucket list.
1) The woman having an orgasm while eating breakfast. (Or washing her hair, or eating yogurt, or...) Who would’ve ever thought granola was that satisfying. Apparently, she did. Cue director: “Think... scrumptious!” Look, the only delight I get from breakfast is if there’s still something left in the box by the time I get to it.
2) Dumbass dad. Can’t operate a cell phone or any tech without help from a teen. Has no sense of fashion. As lost in Lowe’s as Tom Hanks in Castaway. Can’t even change the oil on the car, requiring the wife to take it in and have the man she wishes her man was do it for him. Oh man, that hurts.
3) Food porn flyover close-up money shot. It’s at the end of every food commercial for about :10 seconds. (If they could, clients would have it be the full :30.) Unlike regular product shots for cars and such, food requires a sultry voice beg you to partake in succulent shrimp, a juicy steak, or hot, steaming coffee. Forget about said restaurant serving the perfection you saw on the screen. Not. Gonna. Happen.
4) An [anything]–vention. Shop too much? Work too much? There’s an intervention with your name on it, and friends who care. They really do.
5) Cute wordplay. The border between clever and pun clearly overrun with this one. I will not “meat” my vegetables. I will not “Kraft” my salad or whet my “appuretite.” I am not “shopportunistic.” The only time it’s acceptable to use? When I use it here to describe it. Period.
6) Funny accents. Lottery, the biggest offender. Tech sector. Sports stores. ‘Nuff said.
7) Top 40 songs. Hits of the past, unite! Jingles are dead for the most part because they require originality and something new for customers to buy into. Not so, classic hits. Brands would rather license the tried and true memories from your past, even if they have no real connection to the product. Selling vacs using snippets of song lyrics? Check!
8) The clueless office. Your office? Cool. Theirs? This 9-5 group home makes DMV look like The Playboy Mansion. They all sit around looking at each other for answers while the puzzled boss says “We need to do something!” Then heads to the experts at (insert office store) to do office 101 stuff. In contrast, Hugh’s definition of we need to do something is generally going to involve Playmates, volleyball and the beach.
9) Cute pets. (Okay, they get a pass.)
10) The perfect driver. Ten and two, yea for you! Does the speed limit within reason. Signals—before braking. Looks around with a sense of wonder at the world and expresses true joy at the experience of driving. But they’re alert and not distracted. Problem is, I haven’t seen one of these in real life.
If you have different ones, don’t be shy below.