Or they wear nothing at all.

Where do I start.

I was scanning an old ad for English Leather that I saw with Doug Flutie (ever the face of the brand), and I thought, hmm, let me see what the brand is up to. People, it’s not pretty. A little background, if I might.

You can’t talk about it without also mentioning Old Spice. For years, both brands were in the exact same league. When it came time to pick a cologne for guys, they were the lesser of two evils. While Old Spice has obviously grown beyond sea captains and pea coats to offer bodywash products, English Leather is still soap on a rope. (Insert jokes at will.)

But wait, there’s more.

Old Spice broke out of the category by parodying the category. Along with Dos Equis Most Interesting Man, both brands have shown how to kill it when it comes to mocking the notion of what real men are. Aqua Velva, English Leather and the rest must though just be content with owning, well, I’m not sure, not after you see the English Leather website.

Touch the wood?

Going for the subtly of Axe much? I appreciate the attempt at the demo upgrade from father and son, but a BP control room has better Photoshop work.

I know Old Spice is getting all the glory now, but it’s not even close on Facebook. As in, nearly 794,000 to 414 close. Twitter’s not much better, 105,000+ to, well, let’s just say, when you follow more people than follow you by a nearly 4:1 ratio, they tend to call that a problem in social media circles. The profile though? Smells of win:

“Your wingman for over 40 years. Or, said another way - ideal for Cougar Hunting. Just ask her if she remembers All My Men Wear English Leather.”

You had me at cougar wingman. Old English, help us, help you.