AND THAT’S HOW YOU DO THAT PEOPLE. ONE OIL RIG. ONE CHIP. ONE DAD. DONE. CAN I MULTITASK OR WHAT? TALK ABOUT A SEASON FINALE MONEY SHOT. IT’S JUST LIKE RIDING A BIKE. FUCKIN’ A. OH, AND I COULD’VE GRABBED THE CHOPPER’S LADDER WITH MY TEETH, BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO SHOW OFF. (ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?) AND FEAR NOT, Little Ricky Schroder WILL NOW LOOK A LITTLE MORE BADASS WITH AN EYEPATCH. I MAY EVEN HAVE TO CHANGE HOW I SPELL HIS NAME TO GO WITH THE NEW IMAGE: LITTLE RICKY SCHRODER. AND FUCKING CHLOE FINALLY SMILED, ONLY BECAUSE SHE’S HAVING A BABY. MORRIS AND HER? KID’S GONNA LOOK LIKE STEWY FROM FAMILY GUY. REST ASSURED, I CAN GET ANYONE PREGNANT JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM. 24 MILLION LITTLE CTUS READY TO ATTACK–THROUGH CLOTHING EVEN. YEAH, I’M THAT GOOD.BUT THEN...
A CROSSROADS. CROSSROADS? CLAPTON DOES CROSSROADS. JACK BAUER DOES NOT. RIGHT AFTER AFFIRMING THAT “I’M PRETTY GOOD AT KILLING PEOPLE,” I GET AN ATTACK OF ‘MY LIFE’S AT A CROSSROADS.’ FUCKING WRITERS. GREAT. NOW I HAVE TO GO OUT AND GET SOME BIRKENSTOCKS AND A PUPPY.
TAGS: JACK BAUER, 24, PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON, JACK BAUER MEANS DEATH, KIEFER SUTHERLAND GRAVITAS, JACK BAUER FACTS
2 comments:
In the final scene I'm sure the writers were thinking, "Fans, look upon tormented Jack and try to feel unmoved. Then tune in to next season even though we've given you no mystery to ponder except Jack's mental state." On the contrary, I was chanting "Jump! Jump!" I just wanted this season to be OVER.
(Side note: Even though I hate the writers for what is the worst season of 24 of all time I will totally be tuning in next January. "Damn it. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!")
Jack, Jack, Jack. When will you ever learn? Uttering lines like, "I love you with all my heart" sound so STUPID and FALSE coming from you. Most of us were hoping you would do the right thing and suffocate Audrey there in her bed. Now you've left her the chance of returning next season. You should've jumped from that cliff, giving us a literal cliffhanger.
You are so whipped. You are in serious need of a nasty, trashy one-night stand. I hear Nadia's got a severe case of the lonelies.
Maybe you can move to Vermont and become Karen and Bill's pool boy at their country home. You could walk around in D&C clothes after visiting your therapist and drinking little unbrella cocktails.
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