Or is this where it needs to be?
I saw this update on Twitter last week and discussed it with several people. For me, it’s everything that’s both wrong and right with social networks. The one implication of social media that I never bought into was that somehow it was this open and honest dialog, where people shared true feelings; certainly, their honest opinions of things, right?
Okay, well, after being around it for some time, dream over, because social media does the opposite.
It forces people to behave with this type of politeness, much in the same way you would act at a party. You don’t walk up to a stranger and start talking about your favorite position in bed or how much money you make. (If you’re a narcissistic asshole, then yes, you probably might.)
Regardless, most of what you read on Twitter or blogs is guarded conversation. There are those exhibitionists who don’t care what they write or who they offend. Call it Post Secret with a real name. These are the same people who’d just as soon fault you for holding back on your honest opinion as you would them for being too open.
So when I saw that update, it hit me in an odd way.
On one hand, I was thanking him for being someone sharing a truly private moment, because, well, again, what’s really private about social media.
The other part of me went, timeout, WAY too much information.
Not because I couldn’t handle it. I can. Several readers know how many family members I’ve seen go in the past year. Another person also commented that they appreciated the honesty because of a similar situation they’re experiencing now.
I even toyed with a really hard update myself after seeing a baby on a stretcher in the ER last week, but couldn’t pull the trigger on Twitter because it just would’ve been too odd an update for me. Not because of honesty, but context, both in terms of the “voice” I’ve established and the physical context of Twitter.
As I thought about it his update, my reaction was entirely based on the latter.
If I get that as an email from a friend? I’m feeling bad. Not that I wouldn’t feel bad wherever I read it, but because of the context of Twitter, I’m reading it as part of a stream of completely different tweets:
“Top SEO tips for better traffic.”
“Anyone see Letterman last night?”
“Having a wonderful salad while listening to Bach. Joy!”
“My brother is flying in tonight...”
A little jarring. Now, he put it out there for all to see, so that’s why I’m reposting it here. (Another issue this raises is how we become “comfortable” in whatever space we choose to publish stuff, to the point that we think nobody outside the readership will see it.)
I’m also not trying to single him out for anything bad, far from it. I’m sure he’s a nice dude and all and it sucks having to go through what he must be going through.
It just felt like this one update pointed out how the forced world of social media had just run head first into what it was supposed to be about: Honesty, no?
8 comments:
I find this really interesting. And I think your last sentence sums it up perfectly.
Twitter in particular is such an odd blend of the work and the personal - I've struggled with that a lot.
I started adding people, albeit extremely slowly, and then ended up deleting people after much apology. I worked out that with the (exceedingly trivial) information I share, I wanted to and naturally did use Twitter as a kind of permanent Messenger program. And as such, I wanted, with some small exceptions, real friends on there. Even if they were real 'online' friends, that I've met through work. But you've reminded me that while I might see what I write in the context of those 20 or 30 people's comments, they might be seeing my 'I just vomited' in the context of a(nother) social media presentation and a link to AdNews. Which is kind of amusing.
I respect him for being honest, and I imagine he was wanting people to know the pain he was feeling and social media seems apt for that.
But you're right, context is key.
This is such an interesting topic I can't even begin to cover my range of thoughts...(but yeah, of course - i'll try)
I think that maybe context is changing. Just like MTV and CNN changed the the face of television with tickers and multiple streams of information back in the 1990's. That was jarring and confusing to some, but now we've come to expect it. And it's ok to read the ticker about a missile launch while watching someone wax poetically about Michael Jackson, while seeing the animated promo for Anderson Cooper.
Maybe social media is doing the same thing for our relationships. So that I can have some "friends" promoting their latest blog post, while making jokes with another friend, or sharing a personal moment (like above) with yet another friend.
What I love about social media is that it's allowed me to foster REAL friendships with people that I never would have met in the real world. And for me, sharing those difficult moments is just as important as sharing "i'm at the new Yankee stadium and I'm pumped!". These are all bits of information that make up the human - and the relationship that we have.
But yes - context makes it weird. We need to learn to absorb multiple streams, with multiple subjects and tones, all at the same time.
I find it refreshing when people post honest or awkward or intimate Tweets because that is what real life is about and the more we all get used to the discomfort of people's vulnerabilities the better off we will be.
This also has a lot to do with the Twitter stream a person follows - i.e. if I saw that Tweet in my stream it would not be jarring. In fact, I would find it more bothersome to see another Tweet about social media ;)
The paradox of social media is that it has both increased our ability to handle a high number of relationships (just as the internal combustion engine set a new upper limit on our ability to commute) while it has removed the masks humans usually wear in public. More people, less filters. While this seems self-contradictory, it is also strangely appealing ... a bit like streaking in public (haven't done it, but I can imagine the frisson vibe).
Perhaps this is why social media has become so popular. We feel that more people listen, and we can share more, and we can put off the confining restraints that society has taught us since we were children.
So yes, if someone I love dies, I will tweet it.
But isn't that the point of social media? It's social. I've heard and had far more revealing conversations in bars, restaurants and on the bus. If being in actual confined space with real people doesn't force the politeness you speak of, why should we expect it over the abstract distance of virtual space?
Thank you for bringing this to people's attention. I struggle with this balance myself and I recently removed a friend from Facebook because she posted her ultrasound as her status update. I found this incredibly disturbing and felt that at the very least - that should be a private moment for a future mother and her closest family members and friends. Now this could be considered my own fault because I have not spoken to this girl in years and yet when I received her friend request I happily accepted, thinking, "Sure...I'd like to know what she's up to." Since my interest didn't go any further than that, I should have re-thought my acceptance. Now I don't have to worry about it because I removed her, but this brings me back to your point - how much is too much information when you're speaking to the world? Even though on social networks you have the ability to monitor your friends, followers or what have you, but do you really have all that much power? I honestly don't think so. Great post.
Thanks for the responses.
@pbb - Yes, on one hand, but there's still an implied sense of privacy to it all. Agree you can’t apply two different privacy standards.
But, there's still this sense of privacy between two people sharing a story over a beer even though the bar is packed. Real honest dialog still only happens one on one, no matter where it is. (In-person, cell phone, IM, chat, email etc.)
@ tinku - that’s the thing though. People can have stuff like that happen to them regardless of their personality/profession. I’ve seen musicians write some amazing stuff and I've seen a CPA write one of the funniest lines I've ever seen on Twitter. The context is the problem because unless you follow the same type of personality, you can't control the juxtaposition of what will be said next.
@Darryl - That’s a good offshoot: Using it to foster real world connections. Your last point is something I thought of in regards to tinku: You start learning how to seperate personality types. “Uh-oh. THE_REAL_SHAQ is having a bad day. He just got traded to Cleveland.” I KID. I love the home of whatever it’s the home of.
I think that the level of what people are comfortable sharing varies greatly, and culture and age play a huge role in that. A comment that might pass with the briefest notice here in Philly would probably be considered crude and shocking up the road in tony Morristown. Those barriers of age and place and culture are less apparent in social media, and perhaps that's the issue here. Maybe it's not that people are being too honest, but that what too honest is is such a nebulous thing.
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