“As you ride along in glorious comfort.”

Oh, apparently they didn’t film this spot on the NYC > Washington corridor. Let me explain something about Amtrak’s Acela experience as portrayed above, almost the carefree way airplane travel in the ’50s was shown and that Jetpacks hoped it would be by now. Remember in Armageddon when Ben Affleck was trying to make it back to the shuttle before everything exploded around him, but couldn’t keep his balance, and everything around him was shaking apart? Yeah, well, welcome to the *better be sitting or you’re outta luck* glorious experience of the Acela. Just try and leave your seat. You’re pulling 9Gs like fucking Maverick as you make your way to the beverage car—uphill. There’s no shiatsu. No Harlequinesque models dreaming of lands far away. And if you DO happen to make it back in one piece without spilling anything? You’ll find one of the many SRO road warriors and their five carry-ons about to grab your seat. Yeah, welcome to the future of elegant travel. Tickets, please.