“I will make blanket statements.”

I will go places the original ad didn’t. I will bring up every way men have oppressed women. I will make sweeping generalizations about legitimate issues and women’s rights. I will do this while aiming for clever, but instead, missing. I will overlook that the intent of the original was about you trying to reclaim a sense of the self you’ve given up in order to make me happy in the relationship. I will have ad bloggers hopelessly scrambling to look up a word embodying the ideal balance between misandry and resentment. I will resort to childish insults about your physical characteristics. I will forget that it was just as much my decision to have sex with you—so that I could later complain about raising the baby. I will remarry once you drop dead of a heart attack at 49 from working 16 hours a day. I will make a spoof video that reinforces the same things I will complain about.