It doesn’t get any better than this.

Okay, I need you people to understand the special hell I’m in here. Like all automotive, national campaigns are handled by big agencies, but where the rubber meets the road, regional shops or cable channels end up producing dealership spots shouting about NO MONEY DOWN!!! Forget production value, it’s all about what can I get for under $1,000. (That dealership is actually where we got our Kia, featuring Randy T, King of all cars.) Although Randy avoided total kitschdom by leaving the ‘K’ off car—he was also out the day we came in—the set design picks up the slack and delivers automotive greatness, even going so far as to lift a scene from pay homage to Talladega Nights.

So the lesson is basically this: a man in a cape trumps a celebrity VO and gorgeous running shots to get you to sign on the line that is dotted. (More goodness from the King here.)

EX-SEIZED PERSIAN GOVERNMENT RUGS!

Because I reside in hell, I’m subject to the best of local advertising and DM, like this flyer I got yesterday. (Click to enlarge the greatness.) I think you could write your entire masters for art direction and copywriting on what not to do based on this gem. Never have so many fonts died so that others may live.

“Forced to be sold for 15¢ to 25¢ on the dollar & up.”

Forced? Was that at Persian government gunpoint perhaps? Did the same clandestine group force the designer to break ‘FOR’ to its own line? “MAKE THIS A WIDOW OR WE MAKE YOUR WIFE ONE.”

Oh, I could go on, but like a fine wine, you should take in the aroma yourself and let it breath.

People might just point at me more now.

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Great. Got this lovely bit o’ local DM from the Toyota dealership in the area. At first, I was like, ho-hum, another poster slash brochure that took up my whole desk. Waste of print and copy if you ask me. Until I saw the card that is, and how they personalized a Toyota experience—for me. Tears fell people.

Tears.

Tags: Toyota, Sequioa

Jesus junk mail chain letter prayer rug.

Writes itself, don’t it. I swear sometimes, I get the best material on the weekends. Received the usual junk mail pile Saturday, with one that stuck out. Kinda like that loner pup you feel sorry for that keeps to itself in a mall pet store window. It had its share of the usual DM tricks: handwritten underlined font, key words bold, all-caps and RED.

Ok, I’ll bite. (Plus, I’m a sucker for a good pitch with religious themes. Heartstrings will be tugged and I want in.) That, and I’m always on the lookout for blog material, so...rip. Blow. Shake out the contents.

We have gold people.

It’s clear that the non-chalant “JESUS LOVES YOU” on the outside of the #10 was just a front, because inside, Gary Busey is now God’s co-pilot. I got brochures, I got chain letters. I got prayer rugs commanding me. I don’t know where to start. Ok, take the New Testimonial. Also employing the tried and true First name, last name initial only from Maryland says “I got money and stuff...” They’re always from Maryland. The pictures reminding me of something from last week’s America’s Most Wanted. (Front and back below.)











Then there’s the money shot, aka, prayer rug. (Click on first image at top of post to enlarge). Do not mock prayer rug. Ever. Obey your Prayer Rug. It is your friend.

The whole thing is, according to the directions on the other side, (second image next to it), you watch Jesus on the paper prayer rug and his eyes will open. Rub it on your knees, then pass it on to another needy house. But the letter says send it back to the ministry? Confusion factor at an 11 now. If God needs help running a DM campaign, we’re really screwed. It is then I wonder, what would Crispin do? With direct mail like this, that is.

Instead. I opt to cast it below. To Satan’s garbage can. Where I will join them soon enough for using MONEY SHOT, JESUS and CRISPIN in the same post.